If “adult” book stores were true to their name, they’d sell books on
* home repair
* career advancement
* saving for college
These are things that only adults care about.
– John Cook (https://plus.google.com/107357401349156916755)
A Priest, a drunkard, and a technician were lined up at the Guillotine to be be-headed. They were given the choice to look up or to look facing down in the guillotine.
The priest said, “Well Heaven is up, so I’ll look up, so I can see where I’m going.” So they placed the Priest in the guillotine facing up and released the blade. The blade stopped just inches from the Priest, so they let him go thinking it was a miracle.
The drunkard thought, “Well if it worked for the Priest, it might work for me,”so they placed him in the guillotine looking up. They released the blade, and it stopped just inches from the drunkard, so they let him go thinking, this was also a miracle.
The technician thought, “Well why not?” So they put him in the guillotine looking up, and the technician said, “Oh I see your problem!”
A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out for a caterer, band and a hired clown.
Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But, the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.
She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cart wheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says: “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”
The other bum says: “Well, I don’t know. Let me ask him.”
He then turned to Willie and shouted: “Hey Willie! For $50, would you chop off another toe?”
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies.
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the sheriff.
“Yes, that’s true … but you have all the equipment …”
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, “Why’d you do that?
The trooper says, “You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your license ready.”
The driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”
The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick too.
The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”
The cop says, “Just making your wish come true.”
The passenger says, “Huh?”
The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, ‘I wish that prick would’ve tried that shit with me!’”
Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!
Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Little Johnny: No, I’m Little Johnny.
Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
Little Johnny: I get up early.
Teacher: Didn’t you promise to behave?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you didn’t?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn’t have to keep yours.
Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Little Johnny: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Little Johnny: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Little Johnny: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow. “That’s what I did.
Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Don’s paper.
Little Johnny: I hope you didn’t either.
Teacher: Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What’s that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
Little Johnny: I is…
Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say “I am.”
Little Johnny: All right. “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
A young stockbroker decided to take a day off and visit some of his professors in his old school. When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child. He quickly grabbed the dog and throttled it with his two hands. The next day the local newspaper reported the story with the headline, “Valiant student saves boy from ferocious dog”. The stockbroker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street broker and not a student. The next day the newspaper issued a correction and the headline read, “Pompous stockbroker kills school mascot”